I feel trapped

  

Dear diary, for the longest time, I've wondered to myself...why is Earth? I know I'm not the only one that thinks about this on the daily, though. Our kind has been roaming this earth for a veryyyyy long time. We've built, rebuilt, evolved, made up rules, names and found extraordinary ways to hurt and love each other and everything we've ever known. We've got everything we could ever want or need. It’s a closed source. The very thing I'm typing on was built from earth's finest materials. With the knowledge that's taken millions of years to have, of course. We created coats because we know when we get too cold, it can kill, we know our feet need safety when walking on different grounds, we know our teeth needed care. We created all that we needed to survive, but we also just created what we wanted to give this world more things to occupy ourselves with. But, what is the point of being here? If there were rules for how we're supposed to live by who/whatever made us (if that god isn't just what us humans call cells), we'd all be cooked.

All the time, I hate how conscious I can get. Its scary as hell. I know we all die, but I often think about what happens after. And no, not the ole' "Do we see nothing?' or "Heaven....or is it hell?" I'm talking about how we can literally never escape. We are trapped in our existence but when we "die", we're still stuck. But then even I confuse myself, because what if we "forget everything that makes us who we are. As if everything just stops right then and there when our heartbeats stop. Which brings me back to my question..why? What made us exist? And why does it have to be cruel where we are? 

We, as a human race, as a species, are parasites. We destroy everything we touch. We are powerful, almighty, the great decision maker, a**holes, our own problems, the great cause. I would say we were meant to be working together, not just as humans, as species. Working with other animals, than just ourselves; doing things for other animals they cant do themselves. See a squirrel with shit stuck in their teeth, help 'em out, and they might even give you an acorn in return. As the "superior" species, we have control over this. Lets not f it up for everyone because we aren't the only conscious ones... But, there are no "rules."

We naturally do that though. Someone gut punches us, we feel it, and it hurts. We make it a rule to not hit others. Someone continues to do so, what can we do? Create a punishment.. This world is what we want it to be. Shoot, if having 8 fingers in total was an exception, then it would be exactly that. Cutting off 2 fingers on each baby, because that's just the norm. Just an 8-fingered world, until a few courageous people start developing a mind of their own. Maybe they'll even go as far as to think about why having 10 would be important. Then it would just become common knowledge.

We're just dumped into this world; just figuring things out as we go. We've come a loooong way; so long, that we've eventually found out we weren't the only planet. And it all tracks back to "why?"

When questioning, I get with the specifics; why me? "Why, ME?" Why MY consciousness, why MY neurons, why MY organs, why MY DNA, why MY body? Also knowing the fact that I could have turned out soo differently. But we all didn't choose to be here, so what did? 

"We will never fully understand the why"

-With love 💋