Dear diary, in honor of fall coming, I thought I’d share 3 of my most (want to do) fall activities.

 FALL TO DO LIST 

DRIVE IN MOVIE THEATRE

I've always wanted to go to a drive in movie theatre. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it, my cozy blanket, some food and a nice movie that can just spark the spooky, autumn vibes. Bonus points of its with a loved one, don't you agree?

FALL PICNIC/ MOVIE NIGHT

Yes, yes and yes! A nice picnic with all the delicious food you can eat, in the chill autumn breeze; not too hot or cold outside.

A movie night watching some classics with friends sounds super exciting. The idea of making spooky yet delicious pizzas; eating all the sugary snacks and chilling in the living room with candles and blankets. Truly, fall vibes!

SOLO DATE

Can't go wrong with a solo date, right?

Putting on one of my best fall fits and heading to the bookstore to pick out one or (a few) good books. Maybe even go shopping around surrounding stores too. And after all of that, end the day off in a cafe with a drink and a pastry, of course.

What’s your plan for fall?

-With love 💋 

There is something so warm and cozy about eating in diners. I don’t know if it’s the cushy chairs or if it’s just the atmosphere, maybe it’s everything. But eating anything in places like this makes it all 10 times better. I think the inviting environment makes the food taste better too, lol. With all the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sitting down in a diner puts a pause to it all. It’s even better if it has a jukebox; and don’t let it be fall or winter either, simply the best. 

Why so serious?

 It’s little things like this that need an epic comeback.

Like these fun magazines with unique themes and quizzes. 

The 2000’s gave us “kids” so much to work with. Now, everything’s just… internet this and insta that. It’s the little things they did. I mentioned in a different blog about how dvd menus had interactive features (like mini games/songs). 

Make everything more magical; give something the “tweens” can have. Like these cool magazines, a “Justice”, global tween spaces and clubs or websites. Or, at least make the ‘net whimsical. Let social media have personality with the lay outs or something. Everything is just so bland. (They’re already on the internet anyway, might as well have some stuff catered to them too.)

Every child deserves an actual childhood. They shouldn’t be worried about what little Timmy from math class said on Instagram or buying the “This will give you glass skin and get rid of your wrinkles” skin care products from Sephora. If we bring back things for them, they wouldn’t have to go looking for that on their own elsewhere. It doesn’t even have to be physical media, just something they can truly call theirs. Even though it’s a short period of time, it’s still sooo over looked, but it’s also a pretty important stage of our youth.

Maybe that’s why I crave early 2000’s media, writing blogs and such. I’m recreating my childhood that I miss dearly. What I envisioned for my tween self was totally different than how it came out. But here I am, at 18, doing what little me would have wanted. 

- With love 💋 

Is this selfish?

Dear diary, are people insensitive for saying “God is good.”?

I’ve been pretty familiar with the phrase “God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.” for a long time. But, people of the Christian faith tend to only say that “God is good” when good things happen to them, but what about the bad? Do we just exclude that? Most of the time they’d say something along the lines of “It was all apart of Gods plan.” But how can the most gruesome and scariest things be apart of “Gods plan?” 

I could say God is good for me passing a test, but the person next to me failed theirs, horribly. I could also say that God is good because I recently got a job promotion, but the employee over at the next desk just lost theirs. I could say God is good, for me making it home safe that day, but my neighbor just lost their wife in a car accident. How can God only be good when people see fit. Is it possible to accept the fact that God allows both? (If you believe in God.) These are some of the many types of gaps I’m talking about when it comes to religion. 

I don’t completely disagree with the fact that religion can be seen as a coping mechanism. We have no real explanation on why bad things happen; just the evidence of free will. We need some form of hope, and it’s keeping many people sane. I’m not completely disregarding the fact that religion has helped many people, though. Religion gives me hope, because if it is indeed real (heaven and hell) there’s some form of justice for the people who wronged others. But also knowing that, the people I love are okay. The violence and hate of the world can’t get to them; they’ve endured enough and they’re free.

But my question still stands; so I ask this again, are people insensitive for saying that God is good?

- With love 💋 

Me, my thoughts and I

Dear diary, making or having friends can be weird for me sometimes, and that's besides me just having social anxiety. But sometimes, I'm questioned with the fact that it (friendships) could have been established based on proximity. We are hit with the common reality of losing friendships after high school. To me, that's when the true test begins. Are we in this for real or is it only because we see each other every day. Could we not talk in a few months and still be close? (That can be true for some friendships though.) Don't even get me started on online friendships; they can be harder to maintain and easier to lose.

 I really like the idea of valuing friendships or any relationship for that matter. And I do, but when it's in a "slow zone", It gets lonely. (I still value them, of course.) I know that if we all weren't going to the same school, it would probably be as good as dead. Do I want it to happen? No. 

 I get why people can become friends so easily in school; we have familiar things going on. We sit in familiar settings 24/7, stuck in the same school for 8 hours. It's easier to have conversations and converse on similar issues. Once graduated, we're all technically on our own paths. We're hit with adult hood, more struggles and etc. (Yes, I've reached that point.) I know the friendship could be slowly dying, but was it all really there to begin with? But to be honest, if you really want it, then there's nothing that can happen in between that hinders your ability to exceed pass that. This could also just be how a typical teenage friendship works, though.

I really enjoy talking to my friends, especially when they talk back. But that relationship we had in Highschool, will be missed. It can only get better or worse in the near future. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But sometimes, I yearn for the type of friendships I had when I was younger. We were all just silly little carefree babies. But I also have been hankering for that one friend, too. You know, on some "Alexa and Katie" sh*t. The friend that goes through everything with you through thick and thin, talks to you every day, checks up on you. A familial bond where our parents are besties, having cute matching Halloween outfits or simply just visiting each other's places for the hell of it. Just a beautiful, honest bond that surpasses the traditional and superficial part of a friendship. 

I know I can reach this type of bond with my friends, but I'm kind of worried everyone's hearts are not in it. We haven't hung out all summer, barely talked and when we did, it was to plan something. And still, there hasn't been a successful hangout with the entire group yet. But people got their own things to do, and I get that. I just want to wake up in my 30's with them being there. I want chill wine nights with the girls, brunch, going clubbing or just relaxing with take-out at my place; talking about adulthood or reminiscing on our childhood. I want them in my adult life, during my toughest times, my biggest milestones, at my wedding, locking down on a new house and eventually, my funeral. (This is all reciprocated back by the way.)

I'm starting to think I don't know what a friendship is; do I have issues? I just like being close with people, f it.

P.S, And I know the importance of having relationships in different forms. I know that not all friendships need to be close. It’s good to have friends in different settings; your work friends/associates is a good thing to have, and it’s good to let that be that. But here, I’m specifically talking about a close friendship. (To make myself clear.)

- With love 💋

TW WARNING 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear diary, sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish between someone being satire or truly meaning it when it comes to wanting to hurt themselves. 

I think as a generation, we’ve become so desensitized for it a bit. I think it’s because a lot of people joke about this too. At the slightest inconvenience, someone could say “I’m k*l*ing myself”. And you wouldn’t know whether to laugh or call for help. This is so freaking dangerous  because if I do check up on them, they could say that they were just joking and that I’m being too serious (but even then, that could be a lie). Or, if I don’t do it, I’d regret it.

 I’ve become victim of this too, and I do say it pretty often to myself. No, I don’t want to harm myself, but during an extremely embarrassing moment, I do think it, but I’m just being dramatic when I say it during those scenarios. I know for a fact that I won’t do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for others. Someone could be as jolly as a kid on Christmas Day, yet have intentions of inflicting self harm. 

When said out loud on social media or to the public, it becomes known to others. Now, it’s my business because, I cannot just let it pass. And I’ll be damned if I’ll be another example of the bystander effect. So to get rid of all of this, joking or not, Its important to just check up on people. It’s better to be “doing too much” than coming to a realization of not “doing enough” when you’re at their funeral.

I hope y’all are picking up what I’m putting down. 

- With love 💋 

————————

Hotlines:

877-235-4525

Youth line: (877) 968-8491

Trevor lifeline: (866) 488-7386

Trans lifeline: (866) 488-7386

988

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Websites

(https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/)

(https://www.hopeline-nc.org/)

(https://www.mass.gov/info-details/suicide-prevention-crisis-hotlines)

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A reminder to myself

Dear diary, as an adolescent , I was always known as the “shy” kid. (Usually around adults.) It got worse in middle school; I started getting shy even around other kids. Middle school was not how I expected it to be; I kind of envy those, who had an amazing experience, lol. I’m glad that period of my life is over and I wouldn’t ever wish to relive that again. Then Covid happened, and of course, that took a huge toll on my social skills. 

I wasn't a fan of being perceived; I was usually to myself. I feel like the only reason I had friends was through someone else, and thankfully they took the chance to get to know me. In highschool, it got a bit better because I was forced outside of my comfort zone a lot. But still, I was very much to myself. I hate forcing conversation, I hate having to talk first, I hate feeling unwanted too. It was so awkward to be in groups; I’d feel like they didn’t want to be around me whether it was based on how I looked or talked etc. Me having a bit of a stutter doesn’t make it any better. (But thats a me problem, I have insecurities to work out.) I’d hate the idea of having to form a group. Y’all know what I’m talking about, right? I always loved when teachers would pair us up instead of us choosing for ourselves. I had little to no friends in almost every class, so I’d stand there awkwardly until I’d be paired with the last person. (This exact situation happened again for the umpteenth time. In senior year I had the same anatomy partner because of this, lol. She’s amazing btw.) 

Now that I’ve graduated and am now a legal adult, I can’t carry this with me. I literally cannot afford to be shy; I need to be able to speak up on things. I’m planning on attending college in the fall, and I need to be able to go around and network. I need (emphasis on need) to get myself out there. If I never talk to people, how am I going to find experiences and internships? Not doing so, would prevent me from getting jobs or possibly experiencing the joys of the world. Hell, it might even prevent me from the love of my life. People can no longer carry my weight for me, I’m older, I have to do that myself. 
It’s scary as hell, I’m not a good communicator. I know each and every day is practice, though. I’m not that terrible at communicating, I usually just fake it till I make it.. Remembering that I’ll die one day helps me a lot though, lol. It helps me remember that this is literally all temporary. 

So, get that job now, get that internship now, do it all NOW. I can’t let my silence hold me back. Activists like Rosa Parks or Claudette Colvin didn’t hold back, Martin Luther King didn’t hold back, Dolores Huerta, Malala, Ida B. Wells, Greta Thunberg, Malcom X, the ones unnamed here, even everyday people protesting Palestine, Congo, Haiti, Sudan, ICE, injustice of any and every kind did not hold back! We were given a mouth, so I need use it more. (And that goes beyond just me being shy.)
I might try avoiding having to speak in large settings (that’s if I don’t learn to enjoy it), but I need to be able to turn that socially anxious part of me off when needed.

- With love 💋 

Car Inspo

 

Why physical media is important

Dear diary, it's so boring nowadays; I miss physical media. I'm honestly surprised theaters are still open, they're single handedly keeping the whole nostalgic, vintage part of everything alive. I miss plugging in DVD's and CD's or cassette tapes. I miss the cool and creative menus that would pop up with games and BTS cuts.

Now, we'd have to search for that on YouTube or something. Nothing would ever beat the feeling of having your very own movie collection; with physical media, it's YOURS. If the internet were to go down, you'd still have your favorite movie or show; no subscriptions needed. Wi-Fi wasn't always there for me when I was younger, but do you know what was? Physical media. I remember loving to watch "Bring it on" on tape. When I tell you, me and my sister wore that tape out (which is black for using something a lot). I mean, we'd play it nonstop! This movie made me fall in love with the idea of being a cheerleader (I wasn't though). It was all fun until my sister broke it; if you see the tape running out, its completely done for, it wasn't fixable. That was one of the main downsides of having one, you'd have to be very careful. (Same with CD's, try not to get them scratched.) I remember watching "Love and Basketball" on one of those too. My grandma had kept boxes and boxes full of these, guys. Shoot, I was planning on keeping and taking those boxes for myself, when I get my own place. Too bad she gave 'em away (Except for the CD's, we still have tons of them, thank God.) But this goes for music too. Nothing will ever compare to the beautiful sound a vinyl in your living room makes vs. the speakers in our phones. 

Gosh, I'm so happy some shops are still around, because I want to restart my collection on everything! I just wish physical media was more dominate today. I miss going to Redbox, I miss burning CD's and I miss going to laundromats and getting bootlegged versions of movies. I'm very blessed I got to live the last of the 2000's knowing what these are. Yet, I'd love to bring this back for my nieces and nephews, they can't forget peak!

Holla!

- With love 💋

Give it to me, Rachel

 

Bring back magic

 

Let's manifest my closet together

 

Fed with a silver spoon

MESSAGE! 📬

“Well, I don’t owe people anything”, yes, you do.  I hear parents say this to their kids a lot.You as a parent owe your kids love and respect, you owe your kids a safe space, you owe your kids freedom of expression, you owe your kids a stable and safe home. You brought them into this world, you owe them. “If you can’t feed your baby, then don’t have a baby.” (Literally and figuratively btw.)

This goes for everyone, though. We’re all on this earth together, we deserve to show each other basic human respect, decency, empathy, love and compassion. If everyone in this world were to be respectful of one another (which is impossible), maybe we’d be better off. Get off of that “I don’t owe you” bs. If no one “owed” anyone anything, then there’s no point of being nice, there’s no point of loving anyone at all and there will be no point in caring.

                                                                      Let me cook.

When people do nice things for people, they often expect something in return. (Hence the “owe” word.) Meaning, it wasn’t truly from their heart. If you give gifts only to receive gifts back, then what’s the point. (Do you really like gift giving?). Why are you nice to people? Is it because you expect them to be nice back? Or do you do it from the kindness of your heart? If someone is mean to you in any way, don’t give them that attention they’re seeking. Instead, continue to know YOUR peace. (I’m not telling you to not stand up for yourself, but don’t let their energy overtake yours.)

Only do things because you, yourself want to. Be kind regardless of if they say “Thank you” out loud. Hold the door open for people, help someone on the sidewalk, be kind to people. No, you don’t have to choose to talk to people; if they upset you, walk away. 

My mom and grandma would get upset if I, herself or someone else would hold the door open for someone and then don't say thank you. I would feel the same way, because it would be nice if you acknowledged my kindness. It’s only two words, the same two words we were taught from day one. But at the same time, I had to realize if they didn’t say those two words, I cannot let it ruin me. I did what I did because I wanted to; and if they don’t say anything in return, so be it. I’m leaving that situation there and I’m going on home to take me a shower, grab me a warm cup of whatever and doing what I do. It’s worthless letting strangers irritate you. I only got one life, I want to be able to be happy in every part of it. 

Which leads me to say, don’t let someone’s mood ruin your entire day; protect your peace. 

AND, before giving, know the reason why. But we do “owe” people to an extent.

- With love 💋 

The children yearn for low stimulation

College 1101

 

Vulnerable

Love thy self

 

Hey, can I have this?

Hey!

I feel trapped