A reminder to myself

Dear diary, as an adolescent , I was always known as the “shy” kid. (Usually around adults.) It got worse in middle school; I started getting shy even around other kids. Middle school was not how I expected it to be; I kind of envy those, who had an amazing experience, lol. I’m glad that period of my life is over and I wouldn’t ever wish to relive that again. Then Covid happened, and of course, that took a huge toll on my social skills. 

I wasn't a fan of being perceived; I was usually to myself. I feel like the only reason I had friends was through someone else, and thankfully they took the chance to get to know me. In highschool, it got a bit better because I was forced outside of my comfort zone a lot. But still, I was very much to myself. I hate forcing conversation, I hate having to talk first, I hate feeling unwanted too. It was so awkward to be in groups; I’d feel like they didn’t want to be around me whether it was based on how I looked or talked etc. Me having a bit of a stutter doesn’t make it any better. (But thats a me problem, I have insecurities to work out.) I’d hate the idea of having to form a group. Y’all know what I’m talking about, right? I always loved when teachers would pair us up instead of us choosing for ourselves. I had little to no friends in almost every class, so I’d stand there awkwardly until I’d be paired with the last person. (This exact situation happened again for the umpteenth time. In senior year I had the same anatomy partner because of this, lol. She’s amazing btw.) 

Now that I’ve graduated and am now a legal adult, I can’t carry this with me. I literally cannot afford to be shy; I need to be able to speak up on things. I’m planning on attending college in the fall, and I need to be able to go around and network. I need (emphasis on need) to get myself out there. If I never talk to people, how am I going to find experiences and internships? Not doing so, would prevent me from getting jobs or possibly experiencing the joys of the world. Hell, it might even prevent me from the love of my life. People can no longer carry my weight for me, I’m older, I have to do that myself. 
It’s scary as hell, I’m not a good communicator. I know each and every day is practice, though. I’m not that terrible at communicating, I usually just fake it till I make it.. Remembering that I’ll die one day helps me a lot though, lol. It helps me remember that this is literally all temporary. 

So, get that job now, get that internship now, do it all NOW. I can’t let my silence hold me back. Activists like Rosa Parks or Claudette Colvin didn’t hold back, Martin Luther King didn’t hold back, Dolores Huerta, Malala, Ida B. Wells, Greta Thunberg, Malcom X, the ones unnamed here, even everyday people protesting Palestine, Congo, Haiti, Sudan, ICE, injustice of any and every kind did not hold back! We were given a mouth, so I need use it more. (And that goes beyond just me being shy.)
I might try avoiding having to speak in large settings (that’s if I don’t learn to enjoy it), but I need to be able to turn that socially anxious part of me off when needed.

- With love 💋