Sailed Away

Dear diary, I went on a cruise! 

From October 5-9th I went on a Carnival cruise. It was my first cruise ever and I had a pretty good time. I packed a lot of cute outfits and I’m going to be real, compared to previous years I showed a lot more skin than I did before during the summer. (I’m kind of proud of myself; I’m still slowly becoming comfortable in my skin.)

On the cruise they had a good bit of stuff to engage people. For example, they had an 18-20 mixer; I didn’t want to go because, I’m not really the social type and I also just didn’t care for it. (We also didn’t end up finding the room, thankfully.) On the first day, there was a sail away party which is this huge party on lido deck with a bunch of music and vibes. I had a looot of virgin drinks on this cruise, and the food the entire time was amazing. Shout out to “Guys Burgers” because those burgers and fries were everything! We ate really well on this cruise. Oh, and the chocolate lava cake at dinner was amazing too, I literally got it every night. 

There was a comedy club, the “club” club, there was a basketball court, pools, huge water slides, ice cream machines, buffets, you name it. 

My favorite was walking around the ship, especially the outside area. It was nice feeling the ocean breeze, most of the nights there were movies playing. (Like “The back rooms” and “Michael”.) Looking at the ocean at night was pretty scary though, it was pitch black. Just a reminder how even scarier the ocean is at night. 

There were two islands we went to. Nassau and Celebration Key. In Nassau, I had gotten some ice cream, a cute and colorful “Bahamas” bag & a beautiful dress that I wore the next day. It was pretty hot the entire cruise (I got a little tan), but it was still an amazing journey. I do feel like most of that Nassau area were just scams on scams. I remembering buying my dress from this lady and she said her “brother” had a gift for us, once we got over to him, there literally wasn’t any gift. As soon as he starting talking about shot glasses $10 for 2, I was like (in my head) “Where is the “free” gift?” I just feel like they were making up all of these prices. I mean, they could’ve just gotten them shipped from SHEIN or something and racked up the prices lol. That’s tourism for you. 

The next day was celebration key which was basically a huge beach/water park. I walked around, walked to the swing bar area, and went to grab some rum cakes. It was amazing, except for the part where I was literally about the pee my pants. I had to use the restroom pretty badly and it got worse as I was standing in that long line. I was on my period, so it’s not like I could just go in the ocean. (I know perfect timing, and trust I was pissed.) Thankfully I made it, but my god was I scared.

 

 
-Anyway, I’m glad I went on this cruise, I would totally do another. I’d love to check out Royal Caribbean next. Btw, I’m sooo in love with this dress and I’m glad I brought it. the $40 sacrifice was worth it!

 

-With Love 💋 

Cue the music!

Dear Diary, I’m back! As we know,  halloween is indeed coming up and I have no idea what I want to do. I’d love to buy a costume and head out. Maybe not trick or treating lol, but maybe a party or hang out and watch movies and stuff with my friends. But, I know that’s very unlikely to happen.

So, instead (if it doesn’t) I’ll start decorating my room and planning my own fun Halloween activities!

SMORES!!

I love smores sooo much, and to have them on Halloween night sounds amazeballs. Something like  this would be good for my sweet tooth!

PIZZA!!

For the main entree; pizza of course! Or maybe some burgers idk. But something savory for sure. You could never go wrong with this cheesy goodness.

MOVIE NIGHT!!

You absolutely cannot forget the scary movies and tv shows. And you cannot forget the classics. 

This Halloween is going to be chill but still nice. I’ll be eating some yummy food and watching some scary bits. Smells like success to me lol. What are you doing this Halloween? Maybe y’all can give me some ideas!

- With love 💋 

 

Dear diary, there’s a huge problem with people and empathy.

So many people say they have empathy, but many actually lack it. The evidence is social media and how much people tell on themselves. I remember seeing this video, of a woman messing up and not knowing how the “Hoover dam trend” worked. She had to turn off the comments because people were sending her DEATH threats, and harassing her; all of this over a trend by the way. I think people are forgetting that everything is literally NOT that serious, ESPECIALLY trends like this. How can a person get so pissed from them doing some social media trend incorrectly, how? People are slowly making other  people scared of making mistakes online. (I’m looking at you “Love Island”, but that’s a discussion for another time.) The “butthurts” still could’ve gotten their point across by telling them how to do it properly instead. But no, people love to feel like the big bad wolf. How would they feel if they were in her shoes; not knowing much of a TikTok trend and getting hated for it? People really are bored.

 The saying “Treat someone how you’d want to be treated” was popularized for a reason; but how is it still somehow not always acted upon? People have gotten way too comfortable twiddling their fat ass thumbs and bullying people on the internet. 

Before you leave, make sure to empathize with someone today, that’s homework. Show some empathy!

I read online from someone that “Lack of literacy is directly leading to a lack of empathy.” Which I fully agree with, people aren’t reading from other narratives and/or perspectives. 

- With love 💋 

What success is to me

  

Dear diary, what is success?

By book, success means “Achieving a desired goal, positive result or favorable outcome.”

To me, I’m fine with decency, I think. I’m fine with not being “rich”, (most of us have to be.) As long as I can afford the things I want and NEED comfortably, I’m cool. To have a job that I love and loves me back, a family I can always count on and vice versa, eating healthily and taking care of my body and mind, that’s my type of success. But even then, there’s more.

As humans, we’ve defined success as to having riches, usually. 

I mean yeah, riches can bring in a lot for a person, but what about without that and without all the social constructs?

 This is also why I wish money never existed, I know it creates demand, and helps with amounts received etc, but I hate how much we have to depend on it. I wish earth as a whole was one. A community, in which we would ALL prosper. That, to me, would be the ultimate idea of success; and one that will last a life time.

But the meaning of success is different for everyone, and of course, that’s okay too.

- With love 💋 

“Hi, welcome to _______!”

 

Dear diary, it took me some thinking to realize that maybe being jobless wasn’t better for me, lol. 

I recently got hired at a bakery and it was all very new to me. No, it’s not my first job, but it’s my first time really handling food in a “company” setting (and I guess I could kind of say customer service too.)

I’m a very socially awkward person, I’ve said so many times in my blogs. Me and social interactions don’t often mix. I’m a very quiet person when it comes to talking in person with individuals I don’t know a lot. It’s worse when I greet them and they don’t hear me/don’t respond. During my shifts, people couldn’t hear me good even though I’d think I was talking pretty loud, which is really bad. For some reason, those interactions felt out of body, like I wasn’t myself (because I wasn’t) and I rarely put myself into these situations (like I shouldn’t be doing this), yet here I am. 

I just want to keep this job, and I want to be better. I’d try to get comfortable by telling myself it’s like working in roblox, lol (You know those Roblox restaurants/groups like frappe or verde café or something; the ones that boomed during COVID and that whole era of “no caps” and stuff. ) or like, papas bakeria. I tell myself to try to fake it and pretend like they’re even family. 

Moral of the story, I try my best to be my best because I have no choice. In order for me to succeed and get the things I desire, I have to put myself in uncomfortable situations sometimes or in other words “get out of my comfort zone.” I thrive to be like people who have amazing customer service without thinking much about what to say, and it looks so easy. I just hate fuc*ing up on the Job, especially since customer service is everything. 

On the topic of fuc*ing up. I hate being new to a job. I feel like I’m just in the way. I know it’s not totally my fault because I’m new, but I still just hate messing up. And I don’t think I’m a perfectionist either. I just like being prepared.  I need to learn how to make all the sandwiches (there’s a guide book for that) I know the items in the bakery but I don’t know how to make every single coffee order and it doesn’t help that there’s like no guide book on that. This makes me really wish there was like some online training videos, because I’m a visual learner. 

The only thing that makes me feel a little better is knowing the fact that they hired me, meaning they have some form of faith in me, right? So, I need to try to have faith in myself. I know that I am really going to grow with this job, it’s making me challenge the things I think are challenging all at once.

One thing I know for sure is that it’s going to really be something once I update my resume, lol. 

- With love 💋 

Lack of engagement and coming back to reality

Dear diary, I’ve come to a realization that I need serious help. 

I’ve been around, have known and used social media for my entire life. I enjoy checking in on people, seeing what they’re up to, what’s going on in the world and of course, posting my on little stuff. But at some point, it becomes unhealthy for me. I spend most of my time scrolling and finding something to post (which isn’t surprising). I find myself getting carried away. 

If you didn’t know already, I’m a bit insecure (not sure I’ll ever have a “cure” for it), it comes with the territory. So, posting on social media can kind of be a big thing for me. So much so, that I’ve been caring about people’s engagement with my posts. I decided a long time ago, that the amount of likes and comments determine my worth or if someone likes me or not. This even extends to peers close to me, which is a damn shame. 

But I’ve recently tried taking a step back, and reflected on it a bit (also thanks to outside resources.) Meaning, I need to take a break from seeking validation from the outside. I shouldn’t give a damn if “Tracy” or “Stacy” didn’t like my new posts, doesn’t mean they absolutely hate my guts, right? Either way, it’s a problem, and one way or another, it needs to be solved. And it will; one day at a time.

- With love 💋 

New braids who dis?

 

Dear diary, I got my hair done!

I finally got my hair done after keeping it natural for 3 months. I kept it plain this time, I usually do color. I’m glad it’s done though, so I won’t have to worry about styling it everyday. I’m in the process of learning how to do my own hair and getting the tools necessary; my goal is to learn how to cornrow before 2027, hopefully I make myself proud. 

My dream humble abode

Dear diary, God knew not to make me rich.

 

My dream home consists of a bunch of natural lighting, greenery, airy environments whilst, keeping a warm autumn-y like feel. The people yearn for nature, despite living how we live now. How I envision this home, is that when you walk in, you’re hit with the smell of pure freshness from outdoors, clean linen and maybe a hint of vanilla somewhere, lol.

I want my space to feel like home, not the celebrity go to of a disgustingly all white insane asylum. I need color, I need warmth to call it my own. This is the type of place I’d love for my family to have gatherings and reunions at with a beautiful back yard. 

Speaking of back yard, it’ll be a hell no to HOA policies, by the way. I’d love to stay where I can keep the plants growing and flourishing. I dream of growing a garden, with fresh fruits a vegetables, maybe even a little bakery to sell goods for my neighbors and such. All of this is only if seeds continue to be up for purchase, assuming I’m financially sufficient by then. With this house, to me, comes community. This would be my wealth. 

-With love 💋 

 

Dear diary, I had a TIMEEEE!!

Yesterday, I went to Bryson Tillers “NeoTrapSoul” concert in ATL, and I had a blast. He played a lot of his hits which got me hyped asf! This was actually my very first concert (ever!), so I’m glad it’s was Brysons. Anyways, here’s a clip.

Dear diary, in honor of fall coming, I thought I’d share 3 of my most (want to do) fall activities.

 FALL TO DO LIST 

DRIVE IN MOVIE THEATRE

I've always wanted to go to a drive in movie theatre. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it, my cozy blanket, some food and a nice movie that can just spark the spooky, autumn vibes. Bonus points of its with a loved one, don't you agree?

FALL PICNIC/ MOVIE NIGHT

Yes, yes and yes! A nice picnic with all the delicious food you can eat, in the chill autumn breeze; not too hot or cold outside.

A movie night watching some classics with friends sounds super exciting. The idea of making spooky yet delicious pizzas; eating all the sugary snacks and chilling in the living room with candles and blankets. Truly, fall vibes!

SOLO DATE

Can't go wrong with a solo date, right?

Putting on one of my best fall fits and heading to the bookstore to pick out one or (a few) good books. Maybe even go shopping around surrounding stores too. And after all of that, end the day off in a cafe with a drink and a pastry, of course.

What’s your plan for fall?

-With love 💋 

There is something so warm and cozy about eating in diners. I don’t know if it’s the cushy chairs or if it’s just the atmosphere, maybe it’s everything. But eating anything in places like this makes it all 10 times better. I think the inviting environment makes the food taste better too, lol. With all the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sitting down in a diner puts a pause to it all. It’s even better if it has a jukebox; and don’t let it be fall or winter either, simply the best. 

Why so serious?

 It’s little things like this that need an epic comeback.

Like these fun magazines with unique themes and quizzes. 

The 2000’s gave us “kids” so much to work with. Now, everything’s just… internet this and insta that. It’s the little things they did. I mentioned in a different blog about how dvd menus had interactive features (like mini games/songs). 

Make everything more magical; give something the “tweens” can have. Like these cool magazines, a “Justice”, global tween spaces and clubs or websites. Or, at least make the ‘net whimsical. Let social media have personality with the lay outs or something. Everything is just so bland. (They’re already on the internet anyway, might as well have some stuff catered to them too.)

Every child deserves an actual childhood. They shouldn’t be worried about what little Timmy from math class said on Instagram or buying the “This will give you glass skin and get rid of your wrinkles” skin care products from Sephora. If we bring back things for them, they wouldn’t have to go looking for that on their own elsewhere. It doesn’t even have to be physical media, just something they can truly call theirs. Even though it’s a short period of time, it’s still sooo over looked, but it’s also a pretty important stage of our youth.

Maybe that’s why I crave early 2000’s media, writing blogs and such. I’m recreating my childhood that I miss dearly. What I envisioned for my tween self was totally different than how it came out. But here I am, at 18, doing what little me would have wanted. 

- With love 💋 

Is this selfish?

Dear diary, are people insensitive for saying “God is good.”?

I’ve been pretty familiar with the phrase “God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.” for a long time. But, people of the Christian faith tend to only say that “God is good” when good things happen to them, but what about the bad? Do we just exclude that? Most of the time they’d say something along the lines of “It was all apart of Gods plan.” But how can the most gruesome and scariest things be apart of “Gods plan?” 

I could say God is good for me passing a test, but the person next to me failed theirs, horribly. I could also say that God is good because I recently got a job promotion, but the employee over at the next desk just lost theirs. I could say God is good, for me making it home safe that day, but my neighbor just lost their wife in a car accident. How can God only be good when people see fit. Is it possible to accept the fact that God allows both? (If you believe in God.) These are some of the many types of gaps I’m talking about when it comes to religion. 

I don’t completely disagree with the fact that religion can be seen as a coping mechanism. We have no real explanation on why bad things happen; just the evidence of free will. We need some form of hope, and it’s keeping many people sane. I’m not completely disregarding the fact that religion has helped many people, though. Religion gives me hope, because if it is indeed real (heaven and hell) there’s some form of justice for the people who wronged others. But also knowing that, the people I love are okay. The violence and hate of the world can’t get to them; they’ve endured enough and they’re free.

But my question still stands; so I ask this again, are people insensitive for saying that God is good?

- With love 💋 

Me, my thoughts and I

Dear diary, making or having friends can be weird for me sometimes, and that's besides me just having social anxiety. But sometimes, I'm questioned with the fact that it (friendships) could have been established based on proximity. We are hit with the common reality of losing friendships after high school. To me, that's when the true test begins. Are we in this for real or is it only because we see each other every day. Could we not talk in a few months and still be close? (That can be true for some friendships though.) Don't even get me started on online friendships; they can be harder to maintain and easier to lose.

 I really like the idea of valuing friendships or any relationship for that matter. And I do, but when it's in a "slow zone", It gets lonely. (I still value them, of course.) I know that if we all weren't going to the same school, it would probably be as good as dead. Do I want it to happen? No. 

 I get why people can become friends so easily in school; we have familiar things going on. We sit in familiar settings 24/7, stuck in the same school for 8 hours. It's easier to have conversations and converse on similar issues. Once graduated, we're all technically on our own paths. We're hit with adult hood, more struggles and etc. (Yes, I've reached that point.) I know the friendship could be slowly dying, but was it all really there to begin with? But to be honest, if you really want it, then there's nothing that can happen in between that hinders your ability to exceed pass that. This could also just be how a typical teenage friendship works, though.

I really enjoy talking to my friends, especially when they talk back. But that relationship we had in Highschool, will be missed. It can only get better or worse in the near future. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But sometimes, I yearn for the type of friendships I had when I was younger. We were all just silly little carefree babies. But I also have been hankering for that one friend, too. You know, on some "Alexa and Katie" sh*t. The friend that goes through everything with you through thick and thin, talks to you every day, checks up on you. A familial bond where our parents are besties, having cute matching Halloween outfits or simply just visiting each other's places for the hell of it. Just a beautiful, honest bond that surpasses the traditional and superficial part of a friendship. 

I know I can reach this type of bond with my friends, but I'm kind of worried everyone's hearts are not in it. We haven't hung out all summer, barely talked and when we did, it was to plan something. And still, there hasn't been a successful hangout with the entire group yet. But people got their own things to do, and I get that. I just want to wake up in my 30's with them being there. I want chill wine nights with the girls, brunch, going clubbing or just relaxing with take-out at my place; talking about adulthood or reminiscing on our childhood. I want them in my adult life, during my toughest times, my biggest milestones, at my wedding, locking down on a new house and eventually, my funeral. (This is all reciprocated back by the way.)

I'm starting to think I don't know what a friendship is; do I have issues? I just like being close with people, f it.

P.S, And I know the importance of having relationships in different forms. I know that not all friendships need to be close. It’s good to have friends in different settings; your work friends/associates is a good thing to have, and it’s good to let that be that. But here, I’m specifically talking about a close friendship. (To make myself clear.)

- With love 💋

TW WARNING 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear diary, sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish between someone being satire or truly meaning it when it comes to wanting to hurt themselves. 

I think as a generation, we’ve become so desensitized for it a bit. I think it’s because a lot of people joke about this too. At the slightest inconvenience, someone could say “I’m k*l*ing myself”. And you wouldn’t know whether to laugh or call for help. This is so freaking dangerous  because if I do check up on them, they could say that they were just joking and that I’m being too serious (but even then, that could be a lie). Or, if I don’t do it, I’d regret it.

 I’ve become victim of this too, and I do say it pretty often to myself. No, I don’t want to harm myself, but during an extremely embarrassing moment, I do think it, but I’m just being dramatic when I say it during those scenarios. I know for a fact that I won’t do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for others. Someone could be as jolly as a kid on Christmas Day, yet have intentions of inflicting self harm. 

When said out loud on social media or to the public, it becomes known to others. Now, it’s my business because, I cannot just let it pass. And I’ll be damned if I’ll be another example of the bystander effect. So to get rid of all of this, joking or not, Its important to just check up on people. It’s better to be “doing too much” than coming to a realization of not “doing enough” when you’re at their funeral.

I hope y’all are picking up what I’m putting down. 

- With love 💋 

————————

Hotlines:

877-235-4525

Youth line: (877) 968-8491

Trevor lifeline: (866) 488-7386

Trans lifeline: (866) 488-7386

988

————————

Websites

(https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/)

(https://www.hopeline-nc.org/)

(https://www.mass.gov/info-details/suicide-prevention-crisis-hotlines)

————————

A reminder to myself

Dear diary, as an adolescent , I was always known as the “shy” kid. (Usually around adults.) It got worse in middle school; I started getting shy even around other kids. Middle school was not how I expected it to be; I kind of envy those, who had an amazing experience, lol. I’m glad that period of my life is over and I wouldn’t ever wish to relive that again. Then Covid happened, and of course, that took a huge toll on my social skills. 

I wasn't a fan of being perceived; I was usually to myself. I feel like the only reason I had friends was through someone else, and thankfully they took the chance to get to know me. In highschool, it got a bit better because I was forced outside of my comfort zone a lot. But still, I was very much to myself. I hate forcing conversation, I hate having to talk first, I hate feeling unwanted too. It was so awkward to be in groups; I’d feel like they didn’t want to be around me whether it was based on how I looked or talked etc. Me having a bit of a stutter doesn’t make it any better. (But thats a me problem, I have insecurities to work out.) I’d hate the idea of having to form a group. Y’all know what I’m talking about, right? I always loved when teachers would pair us up instead of us choosing for ourselves. I had little to no friends in almost every class, so I’d stand there awkwardly until I’d be paired with the last person. (This exact situation happened again for the umpteenth time. In senior year I had the same anatomy partner because of this, lol. She’s amazing btw.) 

Now that I’ve graduated and am now a legal adult, I can’t carry this with me. I literally cannot afford to be shy; I need to be able to speak up on things. I’m planning on attending college in the fall, and I need to be able to go around and network. I need (emphasis on need) to get myself out there. If I never talk to people, how am I going to find experiences and internships? Not doing so, would prevent me from getting jobs or possibly experiencing the joys of the world. Hell, it might even prevent me from the love of my life. People can no longer carry my weight for me, I’m older, I have to do that myself. 
It’s scary as hell, I’m not a good communicator. I know each and every day is practice, though. I’m not that terrible at communicating, I usually just fake it till I make it.. Remembering that I’ll die one day helps me a lot though, lol. It helps me remember that this is literally all temporary. 

So, get that job now, get that internship now, do it all NOW. I can’t let my silence hold me back. Activists like Rosa Parks or Claudette Colvin didn’t hold back, Martin Luther King didn’t hold back, Dolores Huerta, Malala, Ida B. Wells, Greta Thunberg, Malcom X, the ones unnamed here, even everyday people protesting Palestine, Congo, Haiti, Sudan, ICE, injustice of any and every kind did not hold back! We were given a mouth, so I need use it more. (And that goes beyond just me being shy.)
I might try avoiding having to speak in large settings (that’s if I don’t learn to enjoy it), but I need to be able to turn that socially anxious part of me off when needed.

- With love 💋 

Car Inspo

 

Why physical media is important

Dear diary, it's so boring nowadays; I miss physical media. I'm honestly surprised theaters are still open, they're single handedly keeping the whole nostalgic, vintage part of everything alive. I miss plugging in DVD's and CD's or cassette tapes. I miss the cool and creative menus that would pop up with games and BTS cuts.

Now, we'd have to search for that on YouTube or something. Nothing would ever beat the feeling of having your very own movie collection; with physical media, it's YOURS. If the internet were to go down, you'd still have your favorite movie or show; no subscriptions needed. Wi-Fi wasn't always there for me when I was younger, but do you know what was? Physical media. I remember loving to watch "Bring it on" on tape. When I tell you, me and my sister wore that tape out (which is black for using something a lot). I mean, we'd play it nonstop! This movie made me fall in love with the idea of being a cheerleader (I wasn't though). It was all fun until my sister broke it; if you see the tape running out, its completely done for, it wasn't fixable. That was one of the main downsides of having one, you'd have to be very careful. (Same with CD's, try not to get them scratched.) I remember watching "Love and Basketball" on one of those too. My grandma had kept boxes and boxes full of these, guys. Shoot, I was planning on keeping and taking those boxes for myself, when I get my own place. Too bad she gave 'em away (Except for the CD's, we still have tons of them, thank God.) But this goes for music too. Nothing will ever compare to the beautiful sound a vinyl in your living room makes vs. the speakers in our phones. 

Gosh, I'm so happy some shops are still around, because I want to restart my collection on everything! I just wish physical media was more dominate today. I miss going to Redbox, I miss burning CD's and I miss going to laundromats and getting bootlegged versions of movies. I'm very blessed I got to live the last of the 2000's knowing what these are. Yet, I'd love to bring this back for my nieces and nephews, they can't forget peak!

Holla!

- With love 💋

Give it to me, Rachel

 

Bring back magic